Thursday, May 28, 2009

Future Iowa Rasslers

Okay, since we're on the subject of college, I thought I would talk about a few of my experiences at Iowa. I was recruited to play field hockey there, which is kinda weird since they don't even play field hockey in the state. But that was great for us because we had the most spectacular fans in the universe. Sure, not the 60,000 that would attend the football games, but you know, pretty close. Some even wore their black and yellow overalls. All came to support our team because they didn't KNOW that field hockey was a really boring and long game to watch on grass because of all the flipping whistles and farkin' rules. But on turf, on astro turf, the game is fast and furious, and well, a lot more exciting as a spectator sport. So we were blessed with a home town crowd that rivaled any other Big 10 school. Many of our spectators were wrestlers. I don't know why this crew was attracted to that muscley bunch, but they were. It was a pretty sure thing that if my teammates weren't gay, they were dating a wrestler, or had played around with one or two along the way.

The wrestlers were a thick bunch and I'm not just talking about their muscles. They weren't the smartest cats on the block, but for some reason I really admired them. It may have had something to do with the 9 National Championships they won (or something like that) in row, or that they were constantly working out- day or night, or it could have been the tales that reverberated through campus about their head coach Dan Gable, who would (for instance) make them all run behind the bus for miles and miles after they just lost a match that should have been theirs.

As part of our training, we were required to run the stairs at Carver Hawkeye Arena, the Hawk's basketball arena. It wasn't fun. It kicked our asses and it was always a dreaded workout. But one day I walked into the arena and the wrestlers were running stairs and I thought to myself, "ah, those poor suckers," and I started to walk towards the elevators that brought us down to the locker rooms. And that's when I noticed that those crazy wrestlers were carrying each other on their backs, running the stairs. Yea, those poor (strong) crazy suckers.

One of my teammates dated one of the Brands brothers, Tom or Terry, I can't remember which one it was...they are identical twins whose names are still on the record boards in the wrestling room. She often had stories, as retold by them, about how they were raised; you know, steaks for breakfast, lunch and dinner. And after they ate, they would just kick the shit out of each other and then puke. It sounded rough, but kinda cool. I mean, that's what I missed in my game. I was a finesse player, but I lacked the kick-the-shit out of the opponent aggression that you can only get from kicking the shit out of your siblings. It just didn't happen in our house. I had a brother who had better things to worry about besides me; he was too busy playing with his star wars planes or figuring out the Rubiks cube for the 17th time. I think we came from different wombs. But anyway, now that I have these boys, who are loving and gentle and sweet....I kinda want them to beat the shit out of each other. Because, well, it wouldn't be so bad if they were legends in their own right at Iowa and they had 60,000 Iowans come to wag their tails to see them pin a Michigan wrestler in the second period.

Today, without a big sister to boss them around they started to rassle on our guest bed. I got this out of them:

Here is what is wrong with this video:

1) Auggie wants to rassle again after he sees I'm video taping him...I don't know what this means.

2) Timmy is worried about Auggie wrecking his shirt...not what an Iowa wrestler worries about.

3) Wrestling is a sport and an art. There is no kicking or punching. That is ultimate fighting and THAT is not allowed.

Here is how the whole thing concluded:

Here is what is wrong with this video:

1) Timmy cries...Iowa wrestlers don't cry.

2) That I made Auggie apologize about kicking the shit out of his brother....Iowa wrestlers don't apologize for hurting anyone.

3) Auggie thinks that the cut he received after punching the shit out of Timmy was actually Timmy's fault...Iowa wrestlers like to give themselves pain. It means they've worked out.

4) Many of you probably think I should not have laughed at the end, but I just wanted Auggie to know that it was fun and funny to watch him punch the living shit out of his (bigger) brother. Sorry if you think that's wrong. But we're in training here.

So, it's apparent that we have a lot to work on. But at least we now have video to study and learn where we can tweak moves and improve holds. And I think it's helpful that I just ordered a $2,000 wrestling mat for the basement. Just kidding Paul Bunyan; but hell, if it gets them a full scholarship, what's a little investment now?

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