Tuesday, December 29, 2009

A Call for Homemade Holidays!

I thought we had a mole hill. And then Santa showed up and burned his ass coming down our hot wood stove pipe. With two (2!) Mega X Morphibian remote control cars. Yea, two! And because he made them on the same frequency the two little boys he gave them to can't use them together. And they had to charge for 5 and a half hours before anyone could use them.

So they had more fun putting the bookcase that Paul Bunyan made for them in their room...and playing with their old toys.

Silly Santa. He also brought a really pretty pink Ipod nano for Claire and it, too, needed to charge for 3 hours before anyone could play with it.

And so she had more fun putting all her earrings into the case Paul Bunyan and I made for her.

And then after she listened to her favorite Michael Franti song 100 times her little pink Ipod nano needed to charge again for an hour.

So she copied all the flowers out of a wild flower book that she is going to press in the Spring when Winter has finally gone to bed.

And after the American Girl doll (that snuck into my house through the cracks in the walls) was put to bed because she isn't that much fun to play with anyway,

Claire sat at her new desk that Paul Bunyan made for her and wrote a story, well, copied a story from Skippy Jon Jones.

And me, well after all the requests for help recharging batteries I've recharged my own by tossing spinach salad with my new handmade (by Paul Bunyan) salad tongs, and scraping up bits of bacon with my new handmade (by Paul Bunyan) wooden spoon to make a delicious blue cheese shallot cream sauce for my Maple Wind Farm steak, and dreaming of summer days by the pond as I carry out a lunch of snacks on my new handmade (by Paul Bunyan) wooden maple tray.

And why can't Paul Bunyan make Mega X Morphibian remote control cars by hand? You know, ones that don't need batteries charged. Timeless gifts. That will last a lifetime. And beyond.

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Two Years Ago Today

Once upon a time there was a boy. He was a big boy. He was a man boy. Or a boy man. He was kinda like a super hero boy man. He ranked up there with The Flash Super Speedster or Green Mountain Power-Ringed Guardian. I think I'll call him Play Boy Wonder because he liked to play. He had all sorts of toys. Bikes and jumps and tractors and winches and kayaks and canoes and skis and snowboards and ziplines and well, you get my drift. There was one toy he didn't have and so he went and bought himself a four wheeler. And his beautiful wife, a super hero herself, said to him, "God will punish you." And he said, "You don't believe in God. How can you say that?" And she said, "Well, the God everyone else believes in will punish you."

But he rode his new four wheeler like a Play Boy Wonder would and on the fourth day God punished him. Despite crazy storms and rain, the Play Boy Wonder thought his new toy could clear the snow off the frozen pond. So he plopped his Play Boy Wonder daughter on his lap and they took off over the ice. And then the Play Boy Wonder's beautiful wife watched as the back end of the four wheeler, with Play Boy Wonder's daughter on it, went through the ice. Play Boy Wonder was wet up to his waist and luckily for Play Boy Wonder's beautiful wife, Play Boy Wonder's daughter went unscathed.

Everyone scattered to get chains and tractors and for the first time EVER Play Boy Wonder's beautiful wife saw Play Boy Wonder mad. Mad as EVER. And as we pulled from all different directions, ripping pieces of the four wheeler off as we went, the lights of the Green Beast lit up in the darkening skies. Play Boy Wonder made the hole that the Green Beast was in bigger by pulling in all different directions and thus he dug a bigger grave for him to seep into. And as Christmas Eve dinner and Santa's annual approach came nearer, the Green Beast sank deeper and his light got dimmer.

And then the Play Boy Wonder watched him die. And a piece of him died too.

The Play Boy Wonder's beautiful super hero wife said as she was drifting off to sleep, "I'm sad." And Play Boy Wonder said, "I'm sad too." But they both decided it was better that it was The Green Beast instead of Play Boy Wonder and Play Boy Wonder's beautiful super hero wife's daughter. Amen. Praise the God Everyone Else Believes in.

And then the Play Boy Wonder had to go to work on Christmas day. But while he was supposed to be really (in a super hero way) saving people's lives, he was planning the extrication of the Green Beast.

And the day after Christmas the plan was executed.

Play Boy Wonder had to cut the hole bigger.

Luckily for him, Super Hero Uncle Chris was there to help.

And so were all our friends and neighbors.

And then the Play Boy Wonder came out in his greatest super hero outfit YET.

And the higher powers shined a light on him and the crowd parted as he approached the scene.

And a little girl asked, "Who the hell are you?"

And he said, "I am Play Boy Wonder and after today you will never forget me."

And then he kissed his beautiful super hero wife in case he wouldn't return from the dark underworld.

And the people, they came to watch.

And the Play Boy Wonder he rejoiced in the moment.

He waved to the crowd.

He was tied down for safety.

And the little girl watched in wonderment.

And then he lowered himself into the abyss.

And he prayed to the God Everyone Else Believes in (GEEB)

And he said his last good-bye.

Good luck Play Boy Wonder.

God speed. (What does that mean?)

Please be strong.

And do your job.

And join us again on this side.

And the other super heroes arrived, as per the plan.

The Play Boy Wonder was grateful.

Introducing Captain Dancing Pants.

He has big equipment unlike any other super hero.

And he spread his big wing for us.

And extended it out over the hole.

I think if you look closely you can see his pants dancing because Captain Dancing Pants really likes this kind of thing.

Ready for hook-up Captain Dancing Pants?

Wait! Wait! Wait!

Play Boy Wonder has to cut a bigger hole in the ice for the Green Beast.

And he gets to play with another toy one more time.

Okay, 1.



3 and a half.

3 and three quarters.


Play Boy Wonder helps direct the Green Beast to the Play Boy Wonder Mobile.

And all is well...

once again.

Until Play Boy Wonder has to BE Play Boy Wonder.

And has to complete his mission.

To have a blast.

And keep playing.

In a world full a reasons not to play.

And then after the four wheeler was fixed in the shop Play Boy Wonder and Uncle Stinky Jon went for a joy ride up in the woods and flipped the Green Beast over. The End.