Thursday, December 20, 2012

Merry End of the World Christmas.

So, the world is supposed to end tomorrow.  In a few hours in fact.  And because of that I'm watching the History channel right now to learn a little bit about how I might survive- because I'm a procrastinator and all.  I've got about an hour and a half.  They're saying that a pandemic is what is coming- an Ebola-Pox virus (of course, the Russians created it).  There is also the potential for a gigantic meteor to hit, possibly some zombies?  I'm learning about the right style of bunker to buy.  Definitely round and sealable.  They can be buried up to 42 feet under ground.  I'm seeing many prototypes; many people have t.v.'s and microwaves in their bunkers with cooshy couches.  Because there is definitely going to be electricity when a meteor hits us or a nuclear bomb goes off.  I'm learning that I'm not as ready as I think and that I think I need a GUN!  To shoot all of you as you try to make your Ebola-Pox way up to my "haven" up here to steal my Christmas caramels and sand tarts (my families famous crispy Christmas cookie).  You might also try to steal the mountainous mound of pork and chicken I have in the freezer.  Paul Bunyan is probably going to finish off the four or five pints of Ben and Jerry's so if that's any deterrent..

oooh- I just found out that the government is prepping itself for the end of time!  They're spending billions on cement bunkers!  What's a few more billions to add to the trillions of debt?  Just (in case) the world ends.

After a catastrophic collapse happens they say there is 72 hours until everyone goes ANIMAL- primal.  Over 250 million Americans live in cities, so if an American city goes ANIMAL there will be no water, food, electricity.  So, pack your back packs and GET OUT of the city.  Find drinking water.  The race for resources is come on over!  It's a party!!  BYOB.  Just as long as you don't have Ebola-Pox. 

Here's what we've got on the mountain after the year of pork is gone: we've got a red squirrel in the attic, plenty of mice in the shop, a cat that would stir fry up nice and a very muscular dog.  I guess we should fatten her up.  We've got a rooster too.  He's livin' like a king on food scraps; we're gettin him nice and big.  Oh, and the ten alpacas.  We could smoke those suckers.  Add a little curry, maybe some Caribbean rub.  Oooh- that reminds me I should stock up on some rum.  I should learn how to make that shit.  Oh no, now I have to watch Moonshiners.  They did just tell me that I can live 40 days without food; I'm not sure how long I could go without liquor, but hopefully I won't have to find that out. 

Well, I'm not too worried.  You think I should be?  They're trying to scare me (and you).  I realize this.  I'm glad you're not watching it.  I think I'll go climb into bed and start a new book and not do the dishes or fold the laundry- because they'll be no reason, right?  And if I wake up in the morning with more snow on the ground than I have now then I'll know that the world did not, in fact, end.   It feels like we might be headed towards the end, what with climate change making our winter 2 months instead of 5, and young adults murdering classrooms of children.  The world does seem like its...

oooh-  prisoners escaping?  This IS getting scary.  Looters?  No gas?  Fashion a radio from an abandoned car?  WHY?  Communicate with other people?  Really?  This is crazy.  Oh, there are preppers ready with their ham radios to communicate with you.  They have ham radios that run on generators; oh, but wait...there's NO GAS! 

Okay, I have an hour and ten minutes more to go.  I'll let you know the most vital things to do when your city goes ANIMAL; I just have to wait till this commercial ends.

So here goes: 
Get a rally point in the mountains (PARTY AT MY HOUSE..unless you're sick)!
Stay calm (DRINK RUM)!
Find water (WE GOT IT)!
Make shelter (WE CAN DO THAT)!

Phew.  I'm glad I live on a mountain.  Well, I think I'll go get a bag of chips and a beer from the keg in the basement and watch this shit go down. 

Well, we've got a bunker too.  But I'm not sharing my microwave popcorn.  Just sayin'.

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

I have some cheese from my head for you.

Pig Pig didn't die on the first shot.  I didn't want to tell you that.  It's a sad thing and this is the season for happy happy things.  But there you go.  I said it.  And now we're eating him.  Because that's the way things go.  And he tastes really really good.  I have some head cheese here for you.  I've been holding on to it for your visit.  I'm also making some homemade mustard to spread on the homemade rye bread which will hold the head cheese while I serve it to you when you come.  Just give me a days notice.  

Well, since it's the time of year to say our thanks- I thank you Pig Pig.  You have been a nice addition to our breakfast and lunch and dinner table.  We've been frying you and baking you and grilling you and I even rendered down your back fat to make lard.

And then Paul Bunyan made donuts with the lard and fried them in your rendered down fat.

 And we all said "Thank you".

And then we ate one and we all said "Thank you" again.

And then the kids put Nutella on you and brown sugar and a maple glaze and we bowed down in honor of you.

And then Bee got a hold of one of your bones and puked it up at 4 a.m. on our bedroom floor.
Thank you Pig Pig.

No, in all seriousness, the "thank yous" are running rampant all over the internet, especially on Facebook where people are writing what they're thankful for EVERY day from now until, what? I don't know.  They're thankful for coffee, chocolate, etc. etc.  No one ever says that they're thankful for flush toilets or the fact that they can fly through the air while sitting in a padded seat while still able to breath.  But whatever. 

So we hosted our 27th annual friends thanksgiving this year, which is always fun.  We had some 20 hot bodies rolling around and I was sure grateful it was a nice day because the football was thrown and the kids played outside for most of the day.  I think Timmy was the only one who cried.  I stuffed a bird and served flat beer and everyone else brought a side dish and a pie.  E brought a bird too, which was juicier and much better than mine.  Turns out even though my special Convection Roast option on my oven cooks a 20 lb. bird in three hours, it dries the shit out of it.  So we're going low and slow in two years when I host again. 

I put up a branch in a bucket and told people to write what they're thankful for on a piece of paper and then I told them to hang them up.  We got lots of cute responses from the kids:

"My mom and dad."
"My dog and cat."

Timmy wrote, "I'm thankful for water, shelter, food, oxygen, and family," which was much nicer than what his sister wrote which was, "EVERYTHING except: my brothers, germs, bad food, bad people, football, bad music, school, baseball, mosquitoes, flies, wasps, and boogers." 

And from the adults:

"The support of fabulous friends, family, and a ever optimistic wife."
"Healthy family and friends, abundance, amazing love all around."
"For snow, friends, family, and pumpkin pie."
"My red-headed children, grey haired husband, cat and dog."
"Snow and Dogs."

And from me, a little cheese from my head:

Thank you love of my life for the time and support I need to heal myself and for making Pig Pig donuts.