So, the world is supposed to end tomorrow. In a few hours in fact. And because of that I'm watching the History channel right now to learn a little bit about how I might survive- because I'm a procrastinator and all. I've got about an hour and a half. They're saying that a pandemic is what is coming- an Ebola-Pox virus (of course, the Russians created it). There is also the potential for a gigantic meteor to hit, possibly some zombies? I'm learning about the right style of bunker to buy. Definitely round and sealable. They can be buried up to 42 feet under ground. I'm seeing many prototypes; many people have t.v.'s and microwaves in their bunkers with cooshy couches. Because there is definitely going to be electricity when a meteor hits us or a nuclear bomb goes off. I'm learning that I'm not as ready as I think and that I think I need a GUN! To shoot all of you as you try to make your Ebola-Pox way up to my "haven" up here to steal my Christmas caramels and sand tarts (my families famous crispy Christmas cookie). You might also try to steal the mountainous mound of pork and chicken I have in the freezer. Paul Bunyan is probably going to finish off the four or five pints of Ben and Jerry's so if that's any deterrent..
oooh- I just found out that the government is prepping itself for the end of time! They're spending billions on cement bunkers! What's a few more billions to add to the trillions of debt? Just (in case) the world ends.
After a catastrophic collapse happens they say there is 72 hours until everyone goes ANIMAL- primal. Over 250 million Americans live in cities, so if an American city goes ANIMAL there will be no water, food, electricity. So, pack your back packs and GET OUT of the city. Find drinking water. The race for resources is on...so come on over! It's a party!! BYOB. Just as long as you don't have Ebola-Pox.
Here's what we've got on the mountain after the year of pork is gone: we've got a red squirrel in the attic, plenty of mice in the shop, a cat that would stir fry up nice and a very muscular dog. I guess we should fatten her up. We've got a rooster too. He's livin' like a king on food scraps; we're gettin him nice and big. Oh, and the ten alpacas. We could smoke those suckers. Add a little curry, maybe some Caribbean rub. Oooh- that reminds me I should stock up on some rum. I should learn how to make that shit. Oh no, now I have to watch Moonshiners. They did just tell me that I can live 40 days without food; I'm not sure how long I could go without liquor, but hopefully I won't have to find that out.
Well, I'm not too worried. You think I should be? They're trying to scare me (and you). I realize this. I'm glad you're not watching it. I think I'll go climb into bed and start a new book and not do the dishes or fold the laundry- because they'll be no reason, right? And if I wake up in the morning with more snow on the ground than I have now then I'll know that the world did not, in fact, end. It feels like we might be headed towards the end, what with climate change making our winter 2 months instead of 5, and young adults murdering classrooms of children. The world does seem like its...
oooh- prisoners escaping? This IS getting scary. Looters? No gas? Fashion a radio from an abandoned car? WHY? Communicate with other people? Really? This is crazy. Oh, there are preppers ready with their ham radios to communicate with you. They have ham radios that run on generators; oh, but wait...there's NO GAS!
Okay, I have an hour and ten minutes more to go. I'll let you know the most vital things to do when your city goes ANIMAL; I just have to wait till this commercial ends.
So here goes:
Get a rally point in the mountains (PARTY AT MY HOUSE..unless you're sick)!
Stay calm (DRINK RUM)!
Find water (WE GOT IT)!
Make shelter (WE CAN DO THAT)!
Phew. I'm glad I live on a mountain. Well, I think I'll go get a bag of chips and a beer from the keg in the basement and watch this shit go down.
Now you're speakin' my language sistah...a virus will put us all in our place and YES, we'll be bringing our petting zoo menagerie, all the dogs, cats and red squirrels we can muster. And for good measure, we'll bring some rifles and the gin I have stockpiled in the basement. Can't wait!!!
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