Tuesday, April 2, 2013

Day 13

The Children know.  They know because I told them last summer.  Because they asked, "Is there really an Easter bunny?"  I was very mean in my response, "Do you really think a very large bunny comes INTO our house to leave you candy?"  Claire was 10 at the time.

"But there definitely is a Santa Clause, right Mommy?"

"Yes, there is definitely a big fat man who comes down the chimney with your new bike on his shoulder.  Definitely."

I kid.  I kid.  But it was a little different this year mostly because I could say to Claire, "Darling, I have to hide all the jelly beans around the house and fill your tiny buckets with chocolate.  Can you please go to bed because I am exhausted."

And then she said, "Mom, will you make it harder this year?  I mean, like, really hide the jelly beans?  Because it's too easy."

That's what I get for telling her the truth.  Criticism.

Well, I hid the jelly beans like my mother did for me, and her mother did for her, on dusty windowsills and corners of cabinets that are easy to see and easy to find.  Mostly because a) I don't want to find them in July melted to my antique furniture and b) I want the hunt to be over rather quickly.  Which it was, luckily.  Claire meanly declared herself the winner and then Timmy proceeded to spill his all over the floor.  Auggie held the dog back while Claire picked up one and despite my hands possibly being a little wet, Timmy and I picked up the others.  And then a few minutes later Timmy is screaming, "MOM- they're melting.  My jelly beans are MELTING!"

"Timmy," I said, "please be quiet- your father is trying to sleep!"  Because he worked the night before and was headed back in in a few hours.  Happy happy.

"MOM!  They're melting."  Freaking out over jelly beans.  Seriously?  I went  to look in his bucket and there mixed with fake grass (green paper ripped into strips by Claire) and real dead grass (picked from the poop yard outside, also by Claire) was his melting jelly beans.  My hands may have been a little more than a little wet.  "Okay, well what would you like to do?  What do you think your choices are?"


He really didn't know what his choices were.

And there it was- another perk of actually being out of the closet:  "Honey, I have a half of a bag of jelly beans in the cabinet.  Would you like to throw yours out and get a few more handfuls?"

Big smile.

What a relief to be OUT of the closet!  I saved the day!!  If I was still the "real" Easter bunny I would have had to make him eat melted, poop covered, jelly beans.

Well, he was happy but then I turned to look at Auggie and he was about to cry.  "What's up buddy?"

"Mom," he said sadly, "I can't eat these."

And he was right.  Two days prior he had his very expensive pallet expander put in.  How timely.  "Oh, darlin, I'm sorry.  Aren't you glad I gave you mints?"  I tried to sound enthusiastic. 

What a dumb question- mints over jelly beans, are you kidding me?  I knew he wouldn't answer me and it was okay when he turned away from me.  But after a few seconds I made an announcement to everyone- including Paul Bunyan sleeping soundly upstairs.

"Hello Everyone?  Hello!  This Easter bunny is RETIRED!  You guys are in charge of your own Easter next year.  Have fun!"  And then I turned around to the sink full of dishes.


  1. good times.

    you might enjoy this note i got from my brother last month. (his son will be 10 this summer):

    So, the Tooth Fairy, Santa Claus, Easter Bunny et al no longer officially exist for Brian. He figured it out, and took it petty well. A late bloomer? ;-)

    However, this made me laugh. Before he figured it out, he had left 3 sticky notes to the Tooth Fairy pasted to a ziploc bag and put it under his pillow:

    Note #1: "Dear toothfairy. You never gave me gum so... I would prefer a million dollar bill. And no buts."

    Note #2: "If not then just give me a pack of gum or a 10 dollar bill."

    Note #3. (he taped a quarter to the ziploc)- "Oh, and I'm making sacrifices too."

    1. Love this Retired Fairy! One for the record books.