It's Poopsicle Day on the Homestead today. It's a great day for poop. There are signs of Spring popping up everywhere. However, it's not officially Spring up here until Paul Bunyan jumps off the dock into the ice. He fell in yesterday up to his chest. But that doesn't count. Because he had all his clothes on. And he didn't choose to jump in. And he wasn't naked. And I didn't get a picture. So you will all know when it's Spring when you see his naked ass plunging through thin ice.
But for today, we're celebrating Poopsicle Day. It was a perfect start. The temperature was hovering right around the freezing mark. Not too cold. Not too warm. The sun was rising slowly over the ridge. Slowly is good. Poopsicle Day starts out with me picking up all the poop that the dogs have shat all winter long.
I'll show you how you can have your own Poopsicle Day.
First, you gotta have one of these:
She just turned 11 four days ago. But old dogs still poop. So there is always poop to pick up. The more dogs you have, the more poop you have to pick up. Easy math. I'm good at easy math. If I estimate...let's just say we haven't picked up poop for 120 days. That's two poops a day for two dogs. Which puts us at 480 pieces of crap...on the grass, which happened to have just presented herself after being covered with snow for the last four months. So I guess you need dog(s), winter, and snow to have your very own Poopsicle Day.
Now the idea of Poopsicle Day is very simple. You must work quickly to pick up your pieces of shit while they are still frozen. Mooshy, melted poops....BAD. Frozen poops, not thawed by the sun yet....GOOD. Easy. You should start in the part of the yard that gets hit by the sun first. And then work your way toward the side of the yard that get hits by the sun last. If you work efficiently, you should be able to pick up all you Poopsicles in one morning, before the sun has time to thaw those suckers.
I recommend one of these:
And one of these:
A rake. It doesn't have to be your child's rake, like this one is. But it just so happens that they don't know it's missing and if they do find out what I've been using it for, I'm pretty sure they won't want it back.
And this too:
Although this poop bucket is a luxury item, handed down to me from Paul Bunyan's alpacas, I really feel like it saves the back from the pain of the shovel.
So here is my technique:
I use the rake to rake the frozen poo patties into my poop container and then in the same manner a gourmet chef has when he/she flips her sauteing veggies in his/her fry pan, I flip back the poop into the back of the poop bucket. When the blue bucket is full, and almost spilling out, I empty it into the white bucket. When the white bucket gets full, I bring it to the woods and empty the white bucket into the woods. I emptied it three times today. And now I feel all refreshed, except that my forearms and wrists are a little sore. But that's a very small price to pay for a clean yard.
My children will do a dance in the dead grass today. Momma cleaned the poop off the yard! And Mom will do a dance because the shit won't come into the house on the spawn's boots. And that's what Poopsicle Day is all about...the poop and the dancing and the...I almost forgot! In the spirit of St. Patrick's Day, when everyone and their mother drinks green beer, we'll be serving BROWN beer up here at the Homestead today. But today only. So, if you're in my neck of the woods come on by and we'll share some poop colored beer this afternoon, while we watch the spawn try to play some baseball. And then I can show you some of my poop flinging techniques.
on a side note: I'd like to thank my mother for giving me the best lessons in how to pick up frozen Poopsicles; she's really the one who taught me everything I know and I owe her all the credit.
on another side note: Lonetree's Miss Sydney, I know you just had your first seizure and that this might be a sign that it's the beginning of the end, but I have to let you know that I love how you've decided not to waver between being brown and black but that you've discovered being black and brown is okay, and I love that you have decided that it's okay to both pee like a girl and a boy and that you're comfortable with the decision to pee both ways. I hope 11, even though it might be the beginning of the end, is the best year of your life. Because sometimes beginnings can be wonderful.