Saturday, January 14, 2012
A Letter to Langdon
My hockey friend Susie just had the baby that was inside her body
This dog named Briggs was her first baby.
But now she has a real one. His name is Langdon, which I love. I was trying to come up with nick names for this one but it was tough. His middle name is Thomas. So, I think I'll call him L.T.
Welcome to this world. You came into the world during a tough time- politically, economically, globally- but I'm not one to talk about that kind of stuff so we won't go there. I'm just glad you're here. And I'm glad you're big because big is better, generally speaking.
Now, I realize that you're just a few days old but you're probably an old soul and you probably already understand a few things. So, despite this, I'd like to offer you up a few suggestions. I did this for your Dad but I'm not sure he listened at all. You probably don't have to either. I mean, who the hell am I anyway? I'm sorry, I'll try not to swear. I realize you're all brand new and shiny.
So first off is this sleep shit (stuff). You're going to suck at it at first (maybe) because your body digests breast milk after only 90 minutes so you gotta eat and all that. So, we'll give you a break at first but then you gotta be smart about it. Because honestly speaking you don't want to see your Mom exhausted and tired from getting up every two hours- that's just ugly. You want her to be happy so that you're happy. So be good.
Now, to go back to the eating thing. Be good at that too. You can suck at it later, if you want, and make your parent's crazy with your pickiness but for now just eat and digest. Suck at it really good. As in, suck hard and suck strong so that you're not at the breast for, like, 45 minutes because that just sucks for your Mom. I know all that sucky stuff is confusing but you'll figure it out. I believe in you.
More important in some ways than being a good sleeper and a good eater is being a good pooper. Don't keep that shit (stuff) in- let it out. Poop all you want, whenever you want, wherever you want. You can fart too- that's not bad but we want some really good ass blasts from you. We want you to shock your parents. We want good blow outs. We want up the back, through the sides, over the top. It's all good. Just remember...pooping is good.
Now right off the bat, because you can't talk yet, I want you to have different cries for different things. It's difficult sometimes as a parent to figure out what you need- so don't make it hard. You're a smart kid, I can already tell from the pictures so don't screw up your parents by having one cry for any need you have. You must have a different cry for when you're tired, wet, hungry, or need to fart. It's simple. I believe you can do this.
You're probably going to love the water because you wanted to stay in that hot tub of your Mommy's belly for so long but just so you know your tubs are going to be short lived if you poop in them. So don't poop in the tub, it will only make your mommy and daddy upset that they have to drain the water and start all over. Just relax and enjoy this part of your life when you have someone actually scrubbing you down. It all ends in five or six years so live it up.
Okay, you're going to get sick one of these days- let's hope it's not until you're 7 or 8 months old. But whatever you do don't eat your snot. It's gross. And when you have the dexterity to stick that finger up your nose, don't eat your boogers. It's gross and the ladies won't like it.
And speaking of being sick, when you get the stomach bug please have the where-with-all to vomit somewhere besides on your body or on your parent's bodies. It's gross. I believe in you.
Now, when you start walking and talking there are few things that you need to do to your parents that may seem mean but in reality it's actually teaching them a few good lessons. You must at some point in your toddlerdom: 1)have a nightmare and climb into their bed but don't ever ask or expect to sleep with them on a nightly basis, 2) jump in mud puddles in your nice shoes, even if they tell you not to, 3) throw a tantrum at the grocery store, 4) eat sand in the sand box, 5) refuse to put on your winter jacket, 6)be adamant about choosing your own clothes, 7)wipe your dirty hands on the walls, actually go further and draw on the walls, 8) poop in your pants when you're potty training, 9)refuse to try new things to eat, and 10) say no. All of these things will teach your parents lessons in patience, self control and more importantly they will all make your parents realize that they have no control what so ever, which is exactly what you're supposed to be teaching them all along.
So, just a few more things. 1) Love the dog. He's crazy and wild but don't ever hurt an animal, unless you go fishing with your father and then you can hook all the fish you want. 2) Smile all the time. I heard once that happier people live longer. Help make your parents go the distance 3) Love hockey- it'll make your life a lot easier. 4) Eat your mother's food (even though I told you to not try new things- you'll be missing out), your mother is an amazing cook. 5) Dream big. The bigger you dream the farther you'll go. 6) Get out of Vermont. I think your parents met here in high school, married here in their high school, and are here and have never left here so GO. 7) Read a lot. I can't make my kids read a book, so I'm telling you to because you might actually listen to me. Reading makes you smart. duh. 8) Dance. A lot. 9) Wrestle with your dad and get good at it so that some day you can whip his ass (butt). 10) Love. Love a blanky, a color, a food, a grandparent, a word, anything. Just love.
And we will all love you back.
Can't wait to meet you- you brand new shiny thing.