In these times of thanks...

I couldn't get myself to take photos at Thanksgiving. Weren't in the mood...I guess. It was warm. All of it. I could get all Sappy, with a capital S. But I'm sure you're sick of it. It's oozing around here. Just like the two turkey carcasses sitting outside in pots on my porch. Haven't been able to get to the stock yet.

So, just to honor the day and not be so trite as to give thanks for my spawn and Paul Bunyan and all my wonderful WOMBATS who I was able to eat and get fat with (yawn), and because they already know how much I love and appreciate them, I'd like to give thanks for some of the smaller things in my life.

1. As much as I hate it, I'd like to give thanks for the chicken shit on my stoop. Because the chicken shit on the stoop, although it sometimes enters my house on the feet of the spawn and dogs, represents the freedom and overall contentedness of my chickens. And without content and happy chickens, I wouldn't have such lovely and beautiful all-natural eggs. And without beautiful organic eggs, I wouldn't have such incredible bacon, egg and cheeses. I wouldn't have so many fried eggs in my life. I wouldn't have omelets for dinner. I wouldn't have such delicious huevos rancheros. My life would be eggless. My baked goods would fall apart. My ice cream would be dangerous to eat. My Caesar salad dressing wouldn't exist. In short, my life would suck.

2. I give thanks, every day, for our new DVR recorder. Not only can I watch more t.v., but now I can also watch more of the t.v. that I shouldn't waste my time watching. I give thanks, every day, for being able to watch Jimmy Fallon, whose late night show is normally way too late night for me to watch and now I have a crush on him, thanks to the DVR. Not only can I spend more time watching the t.v. shows I shouldn't be watching, but I can fast forward through the commercials I don't want to be watching. It's absolutely lovely.

3. I give thanks for indoor plants that don't need water. They're not fake, they just somehow survive without water. They miraculously live off the love the in the air. It's crazy. I know.

4. I give thanks for the fact that if you're sitting on the toilet and you run out of toilet paper everyone will drop what they're doing to help you get more toilet paper. It's universal. Everyone knows what it feels like to be stranded and they'll do anything to help you out. You might be stranded on the side of the highway with a flat tire and no one will stop to help you but if you call from the bathroom on the second floor people will scramble to the paper supply in the basement and be there to hand you a fresh roll in a few seconds. Love that.

5. I give thanks for my central vac. I have pipes that run throughout the walls of my house that suck up, through a hose, all the dog hair, cat hair, spawn hair, chicken shit, and tiny Legos and sends them all to a HUGE metal container in my basement. In the container is a gigantic bag that I only have to change out TWICE a year. I love it. It makes my life happy. If only you could experience this love. Maybe you have. I can only hope.

6. I give thanks for caller ID. So I can screen your ass.

7. I really love my floss. I have a space in my teeth that sucks up animal muscle fibers. Don't know what I would do without you floss. I really hate to think about it.

8. I have to thank the gods who created seedless grapes. Every Thanksgiving my dad's side of the family used to serve 'fruit cup' as the first course at dinner. Palate cleaning, I guess. The fruit cup consisted of grapefruit, oranges, grapes, and bananas (sliced fresh before serving) with a dollop of the orange sherbert that looks fluorescent on top. Complete disgrace and scorn would fall upon the person who couldn't cut the seeds out of the grapes properly. It was a very stressful job. And you can bet that my family ate their fruit cup scrupulously. Well, it's been years since I had that kind of stress in my life. It was a gift. The grapes with seeds. This year. I don't turn away free food, but man am I grateful for the gods who created seedless grapes.

9. I am thankful for reaching a point in our lives where I don't have to help anyone with their snowpants, jackets, boots, hats, and mittens. Go! Get! Skidaddle! That's all I have to say. It's blissful.

10. Lip Smackers. Just Sayin'