Tuesday, February 4, 2014

The Beauty and the Beast

Claire has been stealing my camera.

She's been taking pictures of some of her favorite things.

She's been posting them on Instagram.

I think.  I don't know.  I don't monitor her.

I really don't know who she's talking to.  Or who is talking to her.

I'm sure my friends (Mud) think I'm crazy .  I should know.  I should make sure there isn't any creepy guys.  I should watch, listen, oversee, spy, protect.

But, I don't.  It isn't in my nature.

I have to trust her.  She's done nothing to make me not trust her.  So, why wouldn't I give her the benefit of the doubt?

I went to listen to Vicki Hoefle last night and she's good.  She's good at making everyone feel like they've really fucked it all up. 

Because that's how I feel.  I've really screwed it up with Claire. 

She's a bully to her brothers.

She's complains about having to do any work around the house.  She sometimes throws temper tantrums.  She sometimes tells me she hates me.  She sounds like a spoiled rotten brat.  And I did that to her.  I made her that.

I'm sorry Claire.  I'm sorry we (see how I bring Paul Bunyan into this) did that do you.  (Vicki, you'd be proud of me for saying that!).  But now we get to see what (in Vicki's eyes) we did right.  I have never once told you what to wear or how to do your hair.  Just the other day I had a parent comment on how her daughter was dressed, up on the stage, in front of the whole community.  She had on different colored socks, crazy shoes, a cool patterned skirt, a funky shirt, and a hat that made the whole mismatched extra spunky outfit come together.  She said, "she's got a Claire thing going on".  I laughed.  You have always been identified in the school as the girl who went in her own direction with regards to how you dressed.  And you know what that means- you have confidence!  You never gave a shit about what people thought.  I LOVE THAT! 

Here's what else we did right.  We made decisions about your life up to you.  You get to choose gymnastics over play or play over gymnastics or maybe even BOTH.  It's your life.  You choose.  You recently wanted to give up flute.  Cool.  I'm sorry you're going to give it up because you're really good at it and I love listening to you play at home.  BUT it's your life.  Go for it.  You get to choose when you go to bed, when you get up, when you want to shower, when or if you want to do your homework, when you want to do your laundry (cuz you're doin' it girl), when you want to eat, what you want to eat, if you want to eat (EEGADS- if everyone knew you leave the house without breakfast I'd have my hide skinned.  Oh wait, they now know).  I don't care.  It's your life.  You live it.

We don't care about your grades.  That's up to you.  Isn't that great?  All right, now we're on a roll.

So when I look back on all the things we failed you at (helping you cope when things don't always go your way and how to appreciate your brothers and your role in this family) I am grateful that these are things we can work on.  But your confidence in your abilities to do things well and your abilities to make decisions that affect your life are things that I'm glad (really glad) you have.  Because they are the things that are hardest to find.

So when you come out on top, first all around, I'm proud of you.  I appreciate how much time and effort and will you've put in to get where you are.  More importantly, I hope you're proud of you too.  But you still have to empty out the dishwasher.  Sorry.

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