Monday, November 9, 2009

The Battle of Fredericksburg, also known as The Battle of Clifton Park

As reported on Wikipedia:

The Battle of Fredericksburg is remembered as one of the most one-sided battles of the Civil War. The Union army, led by none other than some guy named Burnside, suffered terrible casualties in futile frontal assaults against entrenched Confederate defenders led by Lee.

The casualties sustained by each army showed how disastrous the Union army's tactics were. The Union army suffered some 12, 653 casualties (1,284 killed, 9,600 wounded and 1,769 captured/missing). The Confederate army lost 5,377 (608 killed, 4,116 wounded, 653 captured/missing).

I was reminded of this battle as the Green Mountain Girls also suffered terrible casualties this weekend in the futile frontal assaults against the entrenched B league teams. To put it in simpler terms: we got our asses handed to us. We came under punishing fire from all sides and being only a subordinate, I had little control of the situation, but feel lucky to be alive.

Our battle opened West of the city at 6:30 p.m. on Friday, November 6th. Major General Captain Lori Miller sent two divisions from the Left Grand Division into a previously unseen gap in the Raider's defenses on the right. By 7 p.m., a thick fog began to lift, and the initially sluggish movements began to pick up speed. Major Andi and Major Michelle formed the main attack, supported by Major Tiff and Major Susie. An artillery duel between the Raiders and the Green Mountain Girls lasted for about an hour. General Burnside commented about Major Andi's goal: "It is glorious to see such courage in one so young." However, the Green Mountain Girls were met with such high counter-battery fire that they were bombarded by artillery and suffered great losses.

The Green Mountain Girls tried to switch things on again in the afternoon of November 7th, but they were met with a heavy Confederate counterattack. Because of the foggy conditions, the Green Mountain Girls could not provide much assistance, especially from the subordinate lines. They were driven back and chased by the Warrior infantry, raising concerns that they might be trapped in the league. Eventually, the division of true B leaguers and the subordinates were recommended to strengthen the Union line and the assault brought on by the forces from Connecticut were ground to a halt.

The initial assaults by the Connecticut forces were brought on by 10 p.m. on November 7th, but because of the steep-banked drainage ditch full of vodka that the Connecticut forces were drinking from, the subordinates from the Green Mountain Girls were able to mount an attack that lasted all of 2 goals. The leader of the Connecticut forces, an artillerist by nature and a bitch by birth, was quoted as saying, "A chicken could not live on that field when we open on it." And sure enough, the women of the Green Mountain Girls Brigade, who had to cross a wide open plain, were one massed target. Attempts to shift the attack failed because of swampy ground, and the girls were roasted on the spit, once again.

Despite feeling some hope on the morning of November 8th at the prospect of the Raiders failing to show, or showing up so hungover that they would puke all over the ice, the Six Union divisions that were sent in were met with repeated attacks by players who, despite being hungover and tired, continued to punch and hit and push and hold us until our fearless leader, Captain Major General Michelle folded and landed in the penalty box. Watching the carnage from the center of this line, a position now known as Michelle's Hill, General Michelle was quoted as saying, "It is well that war is so terrible, or we should grow too fond of it."

The falling of darkness and the pleas of the Green Mountain Girl's subordinates were enough to put an end to the attacks. It was later written, "The charges had been desperate and bloody, but utterly hopeless." And it has been reported that after hearing the battle was not a battle after all but more of a butchery, President Lincoln was "heart-broken at the recital, and soon reached a state of nervous excitement bordering on insanity." Lincoln himself wrote, "If there is a worse place than hell, I am in it."

That afternoon the Federal forces retreated across the river and the campaign came to an end. The survivors of the Green Mountain Girls, however, promised each other that they would enter into battle again and that to stand next to each other, despite the carnage, was an honor not to be passed up. We lose one Major General Captain Lori Miller to pregnancy but our spirits are uplifted at the promise of the future generations, who may actually be able to skate with some of these beeatches and kick their asses in future battles. We'll have a team yet girls...just give us 15 years!


  1. :) Very clever. It definitely was a battle. Good thing there was a pool, shopping, food & beer involved too.

  2. A desparate and blood subordinateNovember 10, 2009 at 12:21 PM

    General 'Burnside'... seriously??

  3. I have been asked 'how the weekend went'...your post captures it all haha!