Two Years Ago Today

Once upon a time there was a boy. He was a big boy. He was a man boy. Or a boy man. He was kinda like a super hero boy man. He ranked up there with The Flash Super Speedster or Green Mountain Power-Ringed Guardian. I think I'll call him Play Boy Wonder because he liked to play. He had all sorts of toys. Bikes and jumps and tractors and winches and kayaks and canoes and skis and snowboards and ziplines and well, you get my drift. There was one toy he didn't have and so he went and bought himself a four wheeler. And his beautiful wife, a super hero herself, said to him, "God will punish you." And he said, "You don't believe in God. How can you say that?" And she said, "Well, the God everyone else believes in will punish you."

But he rode his new four wheeler like a Play Boy Wonder would and on the fourth day God punished him. Despite crazy storms and rain, the Play Boy Wonder thought his new toy could clear the snow off the frozen pond. So he plopped his Play Boy Wonder daughter on his lap and they took off over the ice. And then the Play Boy Wonder's beautiful wife watched as the back end of the four wheeler, with Play Boy Wonder's daughter on it, went through the ice. Play Boy Wonder was wet up to his waist and luckily for Play Boy Wonder's beautiful wife, Play Boy Wonder's daughter went unscathed.

Everyone scattered to get chains and tractors and for the first time EVER Play Boy Wonder's beautiful wife saw Play Boy Wonder mad. Mad as EVER. And as we pulled from all different directions, ripping pieces of the four wheeler off as we went, the lights of the Green Beast lit up in the darkening skies. Play Boy Wonder made the hole that the Green Beast was in bigger by pulling in all different directions and thus he dug a bigger grave for him to seep into. And as Christmas Eve dinner and Santa's annual approach came nearer, the Green Beast sank deeper and his light got dimmer.

And then the Play Boy Wonder watched him die. And a piece of him died too.

The Play Boy Wonder's beautiful super hero wife said as she was drifting off to sleep, "I'm sad." And Play Boy Wonder said, "I'm sad too." But they both decided it was better that it was The Green Beast instead of Play Boy Wonder and Play Boy Wonder's beautiful super hero wife's daughter. Amen. Praise the God Everyone Else Believes in.

And then the Play Boy Wonder had to go to work on Christmas day. But while he was supposed to be really (in a super hero way) saving people's lives, he was planning the extrication of the Green Beast.

And the day after Christmas the plan was executed.



Play Boy Wonder had to cut the hole bigger.





Luckily for him, Super Hero Uncle Chris was there to help.



And so were all our friends and neighbors.



And then the Play Boy Wonder came out in his greatest super hero outfit YET.


And the higher powers shined a light on him and the crowd parted as he approached the scene.



And a little girl asked, "Who the hell are you?"



And he said, "I am Play Boy Wonder and after today you will never forget me."



And then he kissed his beautiful super hero wife in case he wouldn't return from the dark underworld.



And the people, they came to watch.



And the Play Boy Wonder he rejoiced in the moment.


He waved to the crowd.



He was tied down for safety.



And the little girl watched in wonderment.




And then he lowered himself into the abyss.




And he prayed to the God Everyone Else Believes in (GEEB)



And he said his last good-bye.



Good luck Play Boy Wonder.



God speed. (What does that mean?)




Please be strong.



And do your job.



And join us again on this side.



And the other super heroes arrived, as per the plan.



The Play Boy Wonder was grateful.






Introducing Captain Dancing Pants.




He has big equipment unlike any other super hero.




And he spread his big wing for us.



And extended it out over the hole.



I think if you look closely you can see his pants dancing because Captain Dancing Pants really likes this kind of thing.



Ready for hook-up Captain Dancing Pants?



Wait! Wait! Wait!



Play Boy Wonder has to cut a bigger hole in the ice for the Green Beast.



And he gets to play with another toy one more time.




Okay, 1.



2.



3.



3 and a half.



3 and three quarters.



Voila!



Play Boy Wonder helps direct the Green Beast to the Play Boy Wonder Mobile.



And all is well...



once again.



Until Play Boy Wonder has to BE Play Boy Wonder.



And has to complete his mission.



To have a blast.



And keep playing.



In a world full a reasons not to play.


And then after the four wheeler was fixed in the shop Play Boy Wonder and Uncle Stinky Jon went for a joy ride up in the woods and flipped the Green Beast over. The End.

Season's Greetings...

This year's x-mas card. Caption: Celebrating a fresh rump roast this season.



Someone cries every year.

But it's still worth it.

Putting the children through their own kind of hell just to exploit them for a laugh.

Don't call the Department of Child and Family Services.

Please.

Thank you.

Happy Happy and Merry Merry,
The Hussy

p.s. Tune in on Christmas Eve....Mrs. Clause has a story to tell. It's a good one.

We were Swapin' some Yankee last night...

Dear Boogies, I know you don't like it when I call you that anymore but I'm sorry, you'll always be my boogies. I know, too, that you needed me last night. Like you've needed me all week to tell you my own stories of the mean girls I befriended in third grade. To validate your feelings and tears.

And I know that you wanted to help me stir that stinky cheese but I shooshed you out of the kitchen so I could talk with my wombats. And I know that you wanted to 'hang' out with us and bark orders to EAT CHEESE AND BREAD, but I banished you to your room instead.

I wanted to tell you about the time that Jennifer Johnson made me give her the pants I was wearing in the bathroom of the roller skating rink at Bridget McKenna's birthday party. And I loved those striped pants and I didn't want to give them to her but I was so afraid of her being mad at me that I did it anyway. But I still regret that I did.

And when I went in to tell you that it's finally time for you to turn out your light, you were crying and wanted to tell me what Emily said to you today and that Autumn chose Emily and not you and you needed such big hugs and I said, "Boogies, my friends are here and they're eating bread and cheese and I need to make sure there is enough of both so they don't riot." And you said, "But please stay and tell me a story." And I would have. I would have told you about the time Connie Mullen came into forth grade with friendship pins and ranked us from the top down. Her best friend got the yellow and pink and so on down the line. And I remember feeling so low on the list and so low of self esteem, like I was a car running on fumes.

I would have stayed to tell you that, but I had to pass out numbers for the Yankee Swap. And then right as you were about to drift off to sleep, I came to yell at the ladies who were in the bathroom sticking temporary tattoos to their ass cracks to hurry the hell up. But while we were waiting for them, I should have slipped in and told you about the time I wasn't invited to Nikki Bowler's birthday party because Jennifer Johnson was mad at me. And then you would have known how it is that I know how you're feeling.

But I'm glad you fell asleep and you didn't see me trying to steal waterproof vibrators and Hanky Panky underwear from the friends who have taught me what friendship is all about.




And I'm glad you didn't come out when things started to get really rowdy and a piece of wood was allocated for some pole dancing.



And that you didn't witness the doctor jumping rope with her shirt off so she could steal someone else's gift certificate.



And that you didn't view us sticking our faces in butterscotch fondue.



But maybe you should have. Seen the shenanigans. Heard the conversations. Witnessed the tears. Felt the ache in your stomach from laughing so hard.



Because you would have seen, as all good parents should model, that having friends is important.

Even the crazy clowns who some goddess of friendship has bestowed on me. You would have seen how they adore each other. And you would have fallen asleep knowing that some day you too will have women who accept you for who you are, even the hairiest parts of you.


At the end of the night, you know the time of night that I turn away from the chores and dishes and I retire into myself, I should have come in while you were breathing softly and sat by your side and told you about the day that I chose not to be friends with those mean girls. The day I was strong enough to choose me. You're going to get there sweet boogies. Just be strong.

And I'm free tonight to listen and to be a shoulder for you to lean on. But that's only after I get the dried cheese off the bottom of my sink and I try that new waterproof vibrator thingy.

Just kidding.
I love you more than you know.
You'll always be my boogies.
Love,
Mom

p.s. Thanks Wombats for showing me and my daughter what good friends are all about.