Darling Don't Be Afraid I Have Loved You

Happy Birthday sweet spicy little bear.  You're 11 today.  It's crazy how the seasons have come and gone.  I woke up this morning with this song in my head:

Heartbeats fast
Colors and promises
How to be brave
How can I love when I'm afraid to fall
But watching you stand alone
All of my doubt suddenly goes away somehow
One step closer

I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don't be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I love you for a thousand more

Time stands still
Beauty in all she is
I will be brave
I will not let anything take away
What's standing in front of me
Every breath
Every hour has come to this
One step closer

I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don't be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I love you for a thousand more

And all along I believed I would find you

Time has brought your heart to me
I have loved you for a thousand years
I love you for a thousand more

One step closer
One step closer

I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don't be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I love you for a thousand more

And all along I believed I would find you
Time has brought your heart to me
I have loved you for a thousand years
I love you for a thousand more

I never really understood that song.  I mean, I guess if you believe in reincarnation then it makes perfect sense.  Because when I was a bat before being me I guess I was, in essence, waiting for you.  And when I was a rat before I was the bat, then I guess I was waiting for you then too. 


But when I woke up this morning singing it- that I've loved you for a thousand years- it sort of made sense to me.  My love for you feels old; it's like I've been loving you for more than 11 years.  That you were mine before I was even me.  Okay, now I'm starting to get weird.

In all seriousness I think "time has brought your heart to me" and we've been so lucky to have you make our white walls brighter, our socks a little funkier, our cookies a little better, our parenting books a little more thorough, our hearts a little wider.   

And when I'm done here and turn into a bee, a snake, a bear, or a fat cat just know that I will love you for a thousand more.  

A Little Porn For You...You're Welcome

I haven't forgotten about you.  We're too busy up here dropping trees on four-wheelers and being all snarky and stuff.  In other news Claire got clocked (finally) by one of her brothers and so we've reached for a NEW parenting book to see what sort of bag of tricks we can now fling over our shoulders.  I'll tell ya how that works out for us. 

But something has happened as of late that has gotten me to thinking about my life.  I mean when you were a little kid and you pictured yourself as a forty year old what did you imagine?  Seriously, did you think you would have the life you have right now?  Like, did you really think you'd have 8 dogs, a donkey and a miniature pony?  Or did you think you'd have the option to own two houses on Lake Champlain?  Or did you imagine that you'd be driving around in a mini-van?  I think I've covered my three readers here.  But seriously, I never in my wildest dreams ever imagined that I'd be welcome in a group of friends that has pushed every single limit I've ever imagined myself having.


A couple of weekends ago we had ourselves a No Pants Party.

 

I can't tell you the number of men who when I told them about it said, "What?  No boys allowed?  Seriously?"  Hells yes, seriously.  How could we ever don wigs and underwear and shoot jello shots till we puke with our better halves around?

 I don't really know what happens to us but there is this unbridled comfort level that lets us pull out all the stops and let down our hair, or wear a wig, or take it off, or dance like we have the ability, or....LOVE OURSELVES COMPLETELY.
 

I was surprised to have snagged Paul Bunyan (who deserves someone like that really?).  And I was surprised to have had a healthy creative beautiful daughter.  And I was definitely surprised to have birthed two boys with the exact same genetic make-up.

But what I think has surprised me the most about my life is that I'm a member of this secret club of women who support each other, lift each other up, laugh, cry and tell each other we're beautiful, smart, strong, capable, and able.

I've never had this in all of my life.

And sometimes it takes looking in from the outside before you realize how lucky you really are.